count the cost

...for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you must say.

depths of glory

when you enter the depths
of despair
and you keep going deeper
fearing the bottom, fearing eternity

when you cry
out
and there's no answer
you need

when you fear
the end
and no end

when thoughts assail
attack
dissemble
your mind

hold on to the one
who will never let go

when your head goes under
know you will
look up

when you light flickers
know you will
alight again

when you lose your grip

                           don't!




hold on
cling

grind your teeth
clench your fists
sob

hold on to Him.

hold on to Him
for he will                    
                               never
                                                                   never
                                                                                                              never

                                                                              
                                                      

                                                                 let go.

I wonder if things will be different this semester? Aside from subject matter.

I wonder if I will stress more or less. I hope I will worry less. What's the use, right?

I wonder if I will freeze less. My fingers are really cold as I type this because it only occurred to me right now as I type this that I may in fact close the windows in this room (not mine) which are wide open. But I'm not going to because a) that requires getting up and b) I'm almost done. Waste of useful energy, what.

I really really want to go on another outreach thingy. Soon. Soon. Emphasis on soon. You get the idea, right?

Any suggestions on raising funds will be welcome. As well as the funds themselves, haha...

I worried today. About whether 'tis honourable to change my degree from Education to Languages. The reason I worried is because it seems a bit selfish to change, seeing as how I would benefit from the change, but may be able to offer more to others in the short term if I don't. But long term it may be better to change. That just occurred to me as well. I love it when my brain follows the lead of my fingers and starts moving a bit. As opposed to freezing a bit, as they are still doing because my brain is not being insistent enough about the windows.

Siam

fun[k]y feelings

Feelings are weird. Mine are anyway. I think most people's are.

I feel so happy lately. When I think of going on a year journey one day (see www.gcex.org ) I feel even happier. In fact I suddenly finally understand why people say they feel as if they will burst. You get filled up inside with some immaterial insubstance that rises into your throat and escapes through your ears. I don't know where I get this random stuff from but it fits my mood.

(Moods are even weirder).

Getting back to feelings. I feel so excited. I feel like bouncing around. And nothing happened. Okay, I did have a cup of coffee this morning. Maybe it's the people I'm with. But it can't be the people, cos some of them upset me. Or annoy me. Or both.

Last night they had the cheek to watch a  movie about people who freeze on a sky-lift. I was super annoyed. Like super-super-super. The people in the movie were starting to take their fear out on each other and saying heartless things to each other, and I started getting really worked up for the same reason. That was a very effective movie emotion-wise. I wonder what it's intention was?

This morning I was still annoyed with the guy who chose the movie. But I was annoyed with him because of his personality as well. That episode is my main motivation for writing about feelings.

For about a week now I've been trying to understand this silent wonder, wondering about who he is and what he thinks about and then bam, can't stand the sight of him anymore. So I forgave him for his personality. He was the second person on this expedition I had to forgive for his/her personality. It's stupid to get annoyed with people because of who they are.

knitting for the aged

I. want. to. knit.

knitnknitknitknitnknitknit...

No seriously, I really feel like knitting. I ran out of wool for a baby sweater that I haven't worked on for weeks, for exactly that reason.

I'm tired of wearing this beanie that I knitted about four years ago, and I have this absolutely wonderful ball of wool at home and a beret pattern, but it's so faaar awaaay... I just want to knit. I'm starting to have wool fantasies.

Thankfully I am going home soon. This weekend, in fact.

I'm really glad to be home on Shavuot. Having two consecutive Shabbatot in a row, in res, would be torture. Whoohoo, no torture for me, thanks. :)

I want to bake chocolate cheesecake. The last time, and also the first time, that I made chocolate cheesecake, was on my sixteenth birthday. It was gooood. It was so rich that I haven't felt like making it again till now. Two and a half years later.  Somehow being eighteen seems young old at once very young and very old.

I should go do something constructive. Other than knitting. Like studying or something. There's an idea.

Ignorance, my dear Watson.

Ignorance.

In much of Europe, the Holocaust is taught extensively, as a sign of remorse and apology, and also to prevent it from happening again.

In the USA? One does indeed wonder whether the lack of Holocaust education is as a result of contrary aims to those stated above.