Rambling Bedlam

Yeah, I know I don't write much. Actually that should be yes, I know... since I'm not an American. But, thank goodness every country isn't an isolated system. And spelling is just a convention...

I can't really say I don't have inspiration. I regularly think, and thinking can lend itself to writing. The past week and a day, I wrote in excess of 35 pages (not typed, by hand). All of that was 'inspired' by an imminent exam. I had to practise.

But blogging is different. You have no standard to aspire to, aside from that of honesty and perhaps human interest. You don't positively have to write anything. There is no obligation.

But that's not the main reason I don't blog much. I think the reason I don't blog much is because I can't imagine that my thoughts are very interesting, or because I don't have many profound thoughts, or simply because when I do think about stuff intensively, I really don't want to share it with the world wide web.

Sharing my fears and weaknesses, my hopes and dreams, the things that are important to me in such a public place is daunting. It is somewhat less daunting perhaps knowing that I'll probably never meet the people somewhere off in Alaska or Malaysia who read my blog, because to them I'm just a name and a picture. But there are people, friends, who do read my blog from time to time. Although it is a lot of fun to offload pressures and revelations, why do it on the net when I would hardly tell it to someone face to face?

Maybe that's the whole point though. Maybe my 'victories' will encourage the faith of another, maybe it will actually reach someone, which it won't do if I internalise it.

I suppose I can write about silly stuff. That's fun. But it's so insincere. To write about the dog in a Coke-ad when your thinking of things out-of-this-world. There's just no point in it.

I hope I haven't bored whoever is reading this stiff. But there is a point in this rambling. I kind of sort my thoughts out while I write. I think about it.

Reading about other people's personal struggles and victories has really helped me. It helps me to see that i don't have to be perfectly sorted out all the time. That it is in fact normal to be confused sometimes. When I think of the people who have helped me by doing this, I think of two things/blog/sites/people. I didn't start this out as a promotion, but here it is. Although I very often disagree with this blog, the writer has a very open way of talking, and has in fact unknowingly helped me to see that one needn't be completely sorted out to be of use to Elohim. (Well he said that pretty much, but I don't think I was his target audience). Particularly the Berge post came at the right time, I think. The other site is that of an organisation/family that I consider joining for a year. The people at their base and on their team videos are very real. I suppose sincere is a better word. Anyway, if anyone should encourage me to be more open in writing, it should be them. They really made me see that the point of their journey is to be changed, that the participants aren't all model Christians without problems. I find that very encouraging.