University

It's a privilege to be able to study, to get a degree and an education.

I'm afraid I'm not very excited about it. I like studying. No, make that I like learning things for the first time. I just have this unhappy feeling about going to university.

It's probably stupid.

There are several reasons for it, I guess.

1) I'm not sure that I'm going to enjoy the program I applied for. I think its the- no a -right thing to do. BEd will enable me to make an impact. Teaching is a people-related vocation. It will get me places, because many countries need teachers. Apparently the Primary Education Degree course is not challenging and may even be boring.

The subject I like the most (at school) is Biology. I don't want to do a BSc however, because I don't want to become a research scientist (and work with test tubes) or a High School teacher (and work with rebellious teenagers).

2) I was intending to do something exciting in my (now non-existent) gap-year. I wanted to go volunteer overseas, or even in this country, where there was need. Nothing exciting worked out (not even anything unexciting worked, come to think of it), now I default to university. I hate to default. It seems such a compromising cop-out. Better than hanging around at home, I guess. That would be bad.

It feels like I have waited for God to show me what to do, he hasn't, now I do what everyone else does. It feels wrong. Thankfully I don't just go on my emotions. I don't know what to go on at all though, besides my parents' approval and encouragement.

3) I feel quite plain and unpopular. I feel that everyone around me will have nice hair and fashion sense, and no-one will know my name. I'll fade into the background like an appendix (no-one knows what it's purpose is).

I wonder what is the matter with me? Why can't I be all cheerful and positive about this?

Maybe I'm just tired.