Pray

I once saw a list of titles, and at first I thought it was the words to a hymn... You could really compose a hymn from hymn titles... Would that be a superhymn?

I walked past a laptop screen and glanced at the playlist, and this one title stood out so much I don't remember any of the others.

What If His People Prayed?

It chilled me to the bone. (Okay that's an exaggeration). I was really touched and compelled by it. I was reminded, as if by a blast of cold air, that we really need to pray.

I'm a selfish prayer. I pray about my faults and needs and wants. I pray briefly, unless I'm upset. I do pray for others. But not a lot. I guess I feel that there's not much to say. I am more acquainted with my own problems than with theirs. "Help me with this this and this please, help so and so with that, and thos people with that. Thank you."

Of course I don't really pray that disrespectfully, but you get the idea. Now, I don't want to confess feeling guilty just after a post about unneccesary guilt... and I don't feel guilty about the way I pray.

I just feel that I have underestimated prayer and that I can pray better. Not longer because 'do not pray like the nations for they make long prayers, and your Father knows what you need before you ask Him' and 'they make long prayers and devour widows' houses'

Maybe more.
More thankful.
For more people, for the persecuted church, for my friends who are struggling, for Israel.

I think I am too tired to pray right now... Tomorrow I'll be too busy... or not!

Guilt

Guilt makes up such a great part of our lives. I don't know about men, but women tend to worry about what they do.

Yesterday I was sitting in the company of some mothers, some with little children, and I noticed how guilty some of them feel. Okay, maybe it was just two of them. One felt guilty because she doesn't give her children enough opportunity to paint pictures. The other because she fed her child when he was tired and then he got sick.

We feel guilty so easily. We feel guilty about say,  things we don't do, that we might feel just as guilty about doing. If mother one did let her kids paint pictures a lot, she might feel guilty about 'indulging' them. Mother Two might possibly have felt guilty if she didn't feed her child because she might have felt she was just avoiding a difficult task. And children have to eat!

I feel a bit guilty about going to study at a great university. I don't know how I would have felt had I not gone. Maybe guilty that I am not using my opportunity, that I am not being a good steward of my opportunity. Maybe guilty that I am taking a low-skill job from someone who never had the chance to study.
When I think about this I still feel bad about my decision. I don't know who to listen to. I don't know whether to listen to my guilt-ridden concsience or the mature believers around me who tell me to 'walk and not stand' and not to be silly, and that I should take the chance to get an Education, because not many people do.

But this post is not about me. It's about guilt.

How biblical is guilt anyway? Guilt about sin, yes. But guilt about painting pictures and going to study?

Can anyone out there give me an answer?

I'll go pray about it.

I am so tired about feeling guilty about decisions and second-guessing myself.

I even have second thoughts about this post. Why, I don't know. I didn't lie. I'm not plagiarising.

I don't want to delete this post and not publish it. Aghhh, this is so paralyzing.

Edit: I prayed about it. Now I can post it. :)

biology

happy again

I am over it. That mopey-ness.

I saw a teaching opportunity in Nepal, which was encouraging.

And overall I'm a little more cheerful than I was when I wrote that last post.


:)

University

It's a privilege to be able to study, to get a degree and an education.

I'm afraid I'm not very excited about it. I like studying. No, make that I like learning things for the first time. I just have this unhappy feeling about going to university.

It's probably stupid.

There are several reasons for it, I guess.

1) I'm not sure that I'm going to enjoy the program I applied for. I think its the- no a -right thing to do. BEd will enable me to make an impact. Teaching is a people-related vocation. It will get me places, because many countries need teachers. Apparently the Primary Education Degree course is not challenging and may even be boring.

The subject I like the most (at school) is Biology. I don't want to do a BSc however, because I don't want to become a research scientist (and work with test tubes) or a High School teacher (and work with rebellious teenagers).

2) I was intending to do something exciting in my (now non-existent) gap-year. I wanted to go volunteer overseas, or even in this country, where there was need. Nothing exciting worked out (not even anything unexciting worked, come to think of it), now I default to university. I hate to default. It seems such a compromising cop-out. Better than hanging around at home, I guess. That would be bad.

It feels like I have waited for God to show me what to do, he hasn't, now I do what everyone else does. It feels wrong. Thankfully I don't just go on my emotions. I don't know what to go on at all though, besides my parents' approval and encouragement.

3) I feel quite plain and unpopular. I feel that everyone around me will have nice hair and fashion sense, and no-one will know my name. I'll fade into the background like an appendix (no-one knows what it's purpose is).

I wonder what is the matter with me? Why can't I be all cheerful and positive about this?

Maybe I'm just tired.

more poverty

Saw one of the wealthiest townships I know of yesterday. It's quite picturesque really. It's easy to forget that it's not so much fun really, living there.

I saw, to my surprise, a house shack made of a Golden Harvest sign! That's called being resourceful... It was quite a pretty shack. Not like some of the others...

Those people make me think that affirmative action is a good thing. Maybe not so much in its application, but in theory its definitely fair.

I know its racially discriminatory. But it just so happens that our social classes are divided by race (mostly anyway). Blame apartheid. Or blame that for apartheid. Wait no, blame someone else.

Anyway, the point is, race is connected to riches in this country. It's just how it is.

It's just ridiculous to the poor to get an education on par with the rich. They don't have the facilities, and their communty doesn't have the education. Even if one should be super motivated to get a tertiary education, how would he do that? He doesn't have the funds, and not everyone gets bursaries. Even secondary education is few and far between.  Never mind all that. Come to think of it,** even basic literacy is scarce.

So a qualification cannot be the only ruler. Backround has to be taken in account. It's much easier to judge a person based on their skin colour than to research their family history.***

* There are many exceptions to this rule.

** Yes, that's why I blog. To think.

*** Not that I'm at all for 'the easy way out'.

poverty and riches

As Jesus looked at him, he felt love for him and said, "You lack one thing. Go, sell whatever you have and give to the poor[...  ]" 22 But at this statement, the man looked sad and went away sorrowful, for he was very rich.
23 Then Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard is it for the rich to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide yourselves purses that do not wear out Luke 12:33

Why are we so rich? I'm not challenging or judging anyone. It's just a question. Should we be enjoying our money so much?

dream future

I have no idea what to do next year.

I don't know if the specifics matter to God. I have a feeling they do.

I don't think I am at all suitable for mission outreaches, but that has to change. I hope they change soon enough.

Anyway, this is what I want: (it doesn't have to happen that way, but it will be nice if it does)

• I want to have an adventure.
• I want to experience a really different culture.
• I want to do something useful and good.
• I really don't want to be bored or waste my life.

This is what I need:

• Strong faith.
• A relationship with Yeshua.
• Supernatural love for those He loves.

I guess those are not mutually exclusive. Oh, I don't know what to do, what to plan.

Oh, wait, I do know.

Wait. Pray.

blogness

The reason I don't blog much, is not that I don't think much. I do. I have lots of things mulling around in my head. However there's not much of all that that I want to say.

Some of the things I think are downright heretic. It would be nice to get rid of them, but this is not the place. I can't voice my heretic thoughts where someone might hear them, because it might very well be wrong to say.

Other things are just too personal. I appreciate honest blogging because it causes me to see that I am not alone in being imperfect. But I'm not doing that. Call it insecurity if you like.

So that's why I don't blog a lot.

There are some things I think that I might want to say on this blog, but I'd rather say it to a person who can reply, instead of leaving it out there in thin air for people to smirk at. I'm not accusing anyone of smirking. It's just a word that fits.

Speaking of which




I love this pic. I saw it on an airport. I'm afraid I don't have philosophical musings on it, but that would kind of spoil its effect.

 

Rambling Bedlam

Yeah, I know I don't write much. Actually that should be yes, I know... since I'm not an American. But, thank goodness every country isn't an isolated system. And spelling is just a convention...

I can't really say I don't have inspiration. I regularly think, and thinking can lend itself to writing. The past week and a day, I wrote in excess of 35 pages (not typed, by hand). All of that was 'inspired' by an imminent exam. I had to practise.

But blogging is different. You have no standard to aspire to, aside from that of honesty and perhaps human interest. You don't positively have to write anything. There is no obligation.

But that's not the main reason I don't blog much. I think the reason I don't blog much is because I can't imagine that my thoughts are very interesting, or because I don't have many profound thoughts, or simply because when I do think about stuff intensively, I really don't want to share it with the world wide web.

Sharing my fears and weaknesses, my hopes and dreams, the things that are important to me in such a public place is daunting. It is somewhat less daunting perhaps knowing that I'll probably never meet the people somewhere off in Alaska or Malaysia who read my blog, because to them I'm just a name and a picture. But there are people, friends, who do read my blog from time to time. Although it is a lot of fun to offload pressures and revelations, why do it on the net when I would hardly tell it to someone face to face?

Maybe that's the whole point though. Maybe my 'victories' will encourage the faith of another, maybe it will actually reach someone, which it won't do if I internalise it.

I suppose I can write about silly stuff. That's fun. But it's so insincere. To write about the dog in a Coke-ad when your thinking of things out-of-this-world. There's just no point in it.

I hope I haven't bored whoever is reading this stiff. But there is a point in this rambling. I kind of sort my thoughts out while I write. I think about it.

Reading about other people's personal struggles and victories has really helped me. It helps me to see that i don't have to be perfectly sorted out all the time. That it is in fact normal to be confused sometimes. When I think of the people who have helped me by doing this, I think of two things/blog/sites/people. I didn't start this out as a promotion, but here it is. Although I very often disagree with this blog, the writer has a very open way of talking, and has in fact unknowingly helped me to see that one needn't be completely sorted out to be of use to Elohim. (Well he said that pretty much, but I don't think I was his target audience). Particularly the Berge post came at the right time, I think. The other site is that of an organisation/family that I consider joining for a year. The people at their base and on their team videos are very real. I suppose sincere is a better word. Anyway, if anyone should encourage me to be more open in writing, it should be them. They really made me see that the point of their journey is to be changed, that the participants aren't all model Christians without problems. I find that very encouraging.

20 Words That Should Exist

I laughed at these both the first time and the second time I read them. Hope you do too!

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. (or on an airplane!)

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away

Courtesy of: http://www.ziplink.net/users/wood/funny/snigglets.html, Rich Hall, and some blog.

Amusing

A human being should be able to:
change a diaper,
plan an invasion,
butcher a hog,
conn a ship,
design a building,
write a sonnet,
balance accounts,
build a wall,
set a bone,
comfort the dying,
take orders,
give orders,
cooperate,
act alone,
solve equations,
analyze a new problem,
pitch manure,
program a computer,
cook a tasty meal,
fight efficiently,
die gallantly.

Specialization is for insects.

Driving lessons

Turns out its not so bad after all.

For years I've been  hearing horror stories about the government and their ridiculous rules surrounding driving tests.

iT's impossible.
It's daft.
It's uneccesary.
No-one can drive like that. 
It's crazy.
It drives you nuts.
The government has once again proved its incompetence.


etc. etc.


etc.

It's really not so bad. In fact, it's quite a good idea to look where you're going - and where everyone else is going.


Maybe if I'm run across this discipline more often I will tyre of it.


Wheel see.

fundamentalism

Mr. Walid Shoebat, don't you think that fundamentalism is the problem, terrorism and all that?

Ah, I see where you are going. I'm going from one extreme to each other? Muslim Terrorist to Christian?

You know, we give the world a headache. We proseletyse. We, as Fundamentalist Christians, really give the world a headache. But we don't take the head right off!
That guy, Walid Shoebat, is seriously cool. Ex-terrorist, he now supports Israel and denounces Hamas. Oh, and, he's a so-called Palestinian. But the palestinians probably don't identify...

Here's his website...

cross-cultural communication

Caller: Hello, I would like to speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Ok, you can speak to me then..
Caller: No, I want to speak only to Annie Wan!
Operator: Listen, this is the call centre, if you want to speak to anyone, you can speak to me.
Caller: But you're not my wife. I need to speak to Annie Wan.
Operator: What does your wife have to do with it? I'm someone, you can speak to me.
Caller: Well, actually I am Sum Wan. That you are too is very interesting. But I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's an emergency.
Operator: (deep sigh) You are someone who wants to talk to anyone. I get it, ok. What is the emergency?
Caller: Well... just tell Annie Wan that her brother Noe Wan was involved in an bad car accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on the way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I really don't have time for all these pranks!
Caller: You are so rude. What's your name?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Absolutely! You should be sorry. Are you sure Annie Wan isn't at the office?

us and them

It's ridiculous. Really, it is.

According to the SARPN (South African Regional Poverty Network), there are more than 25 people living below the poverty line. 57% of the population has been declared 'poor'.

This is one of the pretty slums - in the Western Cape (which is one of the 'richest' provinces in the country).

The people in the above situations often have no clean water, no sewage systems, lack of food and lack of space. The houses are miniscule, but they aren't bachelor flats. Large, often parentless, families live in these matchbox shacks, cramped together for lack of choice.

And where do the rest of us stand?

We, the affluent, stay in our spacious, comforatable, air-conditioned houses and put them out of our minds. We can go to restaurants and convenience stores and the movies and for some, the word budget is unheard of.

How many match-box houses can fit inside the average middle-class yard?

If every reasonably (and unreasonably) wealthy person were to give half their possesions in aid of what we call the poor, the world would be a better place.

That's probably the idea behind communism and socialism. (The reason it didn't work is because another idea behind it was power and control of the masses).

Did the King not have something to say on this matter?

⁸For the poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me."

⁴⁰And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,^[a] you did it to me.'

It would seem we have an obligation here, people. How on earth do we do it? Who do we help?

Some say we need only help those who cross our paths. If your path is restricted to suburbia, who will cross it?

Oh, what to do. What to do?

love story

Ha. Yes. 

Surprise!

This is actually not about a love story.

It's about.... dum dum dum dum...
A book. Which is also not a love story.

But it's a great book, okay. So bear with me.

In my not-so-humble opinion all young people should read it. Especially young Christian people because it will have an effect on them. Especially young, unmarried Christian people.

So if you don't comply to any of the above, go away.

No I'm just joking, hey. You can stay if you're old too.

To get to the point, or should I say to the book.

Even if you have it all sorted out in your head.
Even if you can recite the 'courtship rules' in your sleep.
Even if your really don't need help in this regard.

I implore you to read it. Okay, I suggest you read it.

I haven't finished reading it yet, but so far I can recommend it strongly.

Terrorism in Israel

The past week or so has seen terrorism escalate significantly. Three terrorists attacked a civilian bus on its way to Eilat. The terrorists were either killed or injured in a shoot-out with the military.

These attacks were aimed directly at civilians and hit many 'targets'. 2 children among the 33 wounded in multi-terror attack.

Hamas cancels 'calm'. Since, Israel has seen many rockets and mortars fired into towns, cities and farms. Grad kills Israeli man on way to (9th-month) pregnant wife.

UN fails to condemn terror attacks, despite the fact that the "The U.N. Secretary General condemned it, the Americans condemned it, the European Union condemned it."

In the Palestinian take on matters  the rocket attacks are not denied. Please read it with discernment. Also, note that while 'a refugee camp was hit' only two people died, one of them confirmed as a having 'connections'. "The Al-Quds Brigade, the armed wing of the Islamic Jihad, confirmed that one of the men, Emad Abu Abda, was their member."

"Israel has carried out a series of air strikes on Gaza, targeting those it blamed for an attack on Thursday in which eight Israelis died." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-14600397

Hamas hits Israel with intent to kill civilians, which they do. They target civilians, not soldiers. Meanwhile, when Israel retaliates, it is not with the intention to kill civilians. They target the terrorists themselves, and often succeed.

Israel cannot be blamed for removing people who pose a great risk to the safety of its (peace loving) people. Executing criminals is not a crime. Hamas does not only put Israel in danger, but also their own people. Imagine having a terrorist government? How much freedom of religion would that pose? How much political freedom? Any?

Imagine living in a society where your countrymen rejoice when a Jewish child is killed? http://www.solomonia.com/wp/2011/03/celebrating-murder-with-sweets-happy-in-gaza-photos-of-family-murder-scene-celebration/ I am not entirely sure whether the above (the celebration) did happen, but it is likely.

Who seeks peace? Who values life? Think about it.

Slow to speak

That verse makes me think.

That maybe I shouldn't be talking.

Does 'quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger' mean that it is better to keep quiet? Not to talk unless it's of the utmost imporatnce?

Or does it mean in situations where you may say things out of anger, it is better to listen carefully before you talk?

Or does it mean something else?

I would like to write long posts about other things but, ahem.

Tuchniot l'Atid

"What, really? Oh okay. I guess its your life. So what subject are you going to teach?"

"No subject in particular. The littlies, you know."

"Primary School?!?  But... you're intelligent aren't you? Surely you can't waste your life like that. Really, you must reconsider."

"I don't get this. Are you saying that teachers are stupid?"

"No, no, that's not what I said. (Though I can't deny it really). Just: you're going to be bored to death."

"How so? Managing 30-odd children under the age of ten is easy? "

"Uhm, no... but it doesn't require much thought, you know. You just yell at the top of your voice or something. I don't know..."

Why do some people have this thing about Education? They think if you can do well academically, you ought to go study something impressive and tough.

They seem to think that education is for the lower class. The people who are 'not so smart' or desperately need bursaries.

How can educating the next generation be left to people who a) don't want the job, b) can't do the job.

Computers are less complex than people. The people above would be quite happy if I chose that path though. Despite the fact that I don't understand anything beyond the interface. (Yeah, I actually know that word). Despite the fact that I love children (which can not be said for those rectangular boxes with unidentifiable wires in them).

They say that I'll be bored studying education. What, like my brain is going to die? Like I'm going to sit there twiddling my thumbs?

I can guarantee that I will be challenged. It will not be a breeze. Don't tell me being uprooted and stuck in an university environment is not going to affect me slightly. I'm bound to notice. And by the time i get over it I'll be graduating.

So LAY OFF people. Stop telling my mother 'you must make her change her mind, really, you must. You can't let her do that.' Too bad you don't read my blog. ;)

So, I finally found something to blog about.

Another thing. In case you were wondering, the title is Hebrew.

South Africa

This is a truly beautiful country, think you not?

Wide open spaces. Dense rainforest. Arid karoo.

Desert. Ocean.

Speechless

I am dumb, speechless.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to blog.

I have ideas every now and then, but I doubt my ability to communicate them properly.

I think the fact that I have a few followers adds to this problem, because now I know that what I write will be read by people I know (or know in a sense).

I hope I'll get over it, and start spouting nonsense (and more meaningful stuff) again.

In the mean time I'm blogging about it.

City-life Part 2

I was reminded today that there is a city that I have a lot of time for.

Jerusalem.

All the things I said about city-life-and-its-evils just falls away when it comes to The City.

The City is huge. There's nothing rural about it. And to top that the best part for me is downtown. Lots of people (Jewish people), lots of buildings.

Building upon building upon street... Taxi's and buses and cars (annoyed drivers). Really busy streets. Almost no trees, except for the parks.

In Part 1 I complained that whereever you go, there's just more city. This is exactly the case in Jerusalem too. But there, I don't want to run out of the city. When I am forced to leave, I yearn to get back.

Jerusalem is just... epic. Young Orthodox couples with their strollers and hordes of toddlers. Old men with long beards. Street musicians. Bagel carts. Falafel shops. Ice coffee...

Old buildings, new buildings, new-buildings-that-look-like-old-buildings. Paved, winding streets...

I like the vibe... I like the people. A Jewish city full of Jewish people. Epicness!

Profound

Nope, sorry people. I don't feel like being theologically verbose today. Not that I normally am.

I am soooooo glad that I don't live in a city. Citylife would drive me nuts. It just seems so devoid of reality. Everything seems either too showy or depressingly rundown. Wherever you look it's just house upon house upon street upon house upon skyscraper... etc.

Wherever you go, there's brick and asphalt. Of course there are rows of trees and spots of grass to try and liven up the place, but that's only in the showy bits.

This weekend has reinforced my dream of living on a farm/plot. I think I would rather be a bit too isolated than crowded.

But then again, when stuck on a farm in the middle of nowhere, I start to yearn for friendly social interaction with people I am not stuck with.

Never satisfied, eh?

Design vs. Chance

The following story may be a fabrication, but illustrates the point well. The story is probably sricken with many inaccuracies, but it reads better that way and saves me the research.

Isaac Newton did the math. He figured out the relations of the sun and the planets in our solar system, how their orbits work, the speeds,the distances etc.

He gave his calculations through to an engineer and asked him to build it exactly to scale according to his design.

A few weeks later, the engineer presented the model. There were some little mistakes which prevented the correct functioning, but they were soon cleared up. The model (complete with planets orbiting) was installed in the lounge, to his wife's dismay (see,I told you it's an inaccurate fabrication).

One sunny day, his atheist friend came round. At seeing the planet-model, he was amazed.

"Who made this??"

"No one made it. It just appeared. Fell out the sky, so to speak"

Should we care?

How often have you heard the phrase don't worry about what people think?

I believed it for a long time. But then I started doubting this. After all, why is it that we care so much what others think? Isn't it because we're afraid they may be right? (Yes, I know there are supplementary reasons, but that's not the point).

Does any of us really have that much better judgement than our peers? Can we function entirely independently of anyone else? Should we?

Is it not arrogant to think that our opinion is all that matters?

Obviously, we should be able to face ridicule. Sometimes we are righter. Often it is necessary to obey Elohim (God) and not man. But other humans have brains too.

There are certain people (like atheists and people from nudist colonies and radical Muslims) whose opinion of us should not be valued highly. But our friends and family, who understand us and our problems, may have a point. It may seem like I'm saying you can only trust people who agree with you, but sharks don't know what it's like for manta rays. They don't have much in common.

Perfect isn't good enough

I think I know why I was unhappy before. I tried to do everything, at least everything pertaining to Elohim, exactly right. Which I found to be impossible.

After I decided to put my life and salvation in His hands, this changed. I think now, that keeping the spirit of a law means keeping the idea. Means being willing to obey Him in that area of your life also. It doesn't matter if you don't know exactly how to do it. It just matters that you want to do it.

Ever since then, I don't really worry about things. I realise that I'm becoming quite lazy (a side effect of relaxing about everything perhaps), and it bothers me a little and I'll pray about it, but I'm not anxious about it.

It 's a great state to be in. it really is. You should try it. :)

Talking

Thinking is better than talking.

If I said everything I thought, the effects would probably be disasterous. As it is, I already say things I shouldn't.

This subject has been bombarding me from Scripture, and from my conscience. I realised how many times I say negative things (true or false) about people, in their absence. To say it in their presence would be hurtful, but to say it in their absence is really worse, as it damages their reputation without them being aware of it. So they can't try to repair it.

I would be horrified if people had said similar things about me, and I knew of it.

With Elohim's help, I resolve to try (not making any promises here), to change.

That brings me to another thing. Vows and verbalized intentions. So often we say I will, and never 'get round to it'. Did Yeshua not say let your no be no and your yes be yes? No and yes may not have as much binding effect as vows do, but we should consider them in all seriousness.

What about joking? I suppose the victims of your joke should a) not be victims in effect and b) be aware of the joke element. Solved?

Hidden Motives

There are quite a few seemingly 'noble' things that I do, or want to do, for selfish/non-noble reasons.

Like knitting, for instance. I like to knit. To make pretty, creative things, and improve my spectacular knitting skills. The only problems are: What do I do with the stuff I've knitted? and  Do projects have to last for ever?

So I knit little gifts, mostly. That way I'm not stuck with a stash of things I don't want to wear because they are really wierd, I mean, oddly interesting. Especially baby things. They are the cutest. They really are.

The only problem is, people (especially mothers) get overawed about these little things. Just because they never learnt to knit properly, they think I'm this amazing knitting expert.

I may be exaggerating somewhat. The point is, people are impressed by me dumping knitted baby clothing on them. Because they think its good of me or something.

This is not the only thing that I am accidentally misleading about. Take being a missionary, for instance. I don't want to be a missionary in order to be a seemingly great Christian. (I don't like the word Christian, but that's another story).

My bad selfish reasons for being a missionary:

I get an adventure.
I feel better about myself.
I grow spiritually. (Is this a bad reason?)

My good reasons for being a missionary:

I grow spiritually. (Yes it is, I've decided)
I do something important.
I don't waste my life.
I do something which is not futile. (See Ecclesiastes)

Please note the last three reasons are synonyms, but it looks better that way. :)

I'm glad most of my friends don't read my blog, because I don't want to make my missionary-dreams public. (Haha, and I put it on my blog). People wouldn't understand, I think. They'd feel guilty. Or they'd think I'm a hypocrite (if it doesn't work out). Or an idealist (like those people with their heads in the stratosphere, you know?).

I should probably not care what people think. I think the reason we all do care anyway, is because we're afraid they might be right.

The inarticulate sheep

Sheep are really dumb.

But I like them. Something about their glazed looks and woolly brains appeals to me. Maybe its their benevolence. They would never hurt a fly. Even in a whole gang they could never manage to. Its totally beyond their faculties.

Lambs are even more appealing. And they seem to be smarter. They look at you with somewhat more than boredom. Maybe they're just in the beginning stages of their growth into daytime hibernators, but they seem to still possess a spark of interest and curiosity. Could be hunger.

To get to the adjective. It appears sometimes that I am too inarticulate to blog. Using big words doesn't count. I don't blog with a purpose, with a message to convey. (Apart from analysing or criticising sheep and facebook). Hence my posts don't have conclusions.

Oh well. At least I enjoy myself. :D

Facebook

Ever since I got facebook, it annoyed me. There was less real social interaction I had hoped for. It was much more egotistical than I had anticipated.

Funny statuses, not to make people laugh, but to reflect on your own genius for coming up with them. Deep, thoughtful comments, not to make people think, but to prove that you did. Maybe I am the only person whose underlying, unconscious reason for saying something is to prove that I have an opinion. Maybe everyone else says things in utter unselfishness and goodwill, and to make the world a better place.  Maybe some of us really do things, not to impress, but to enrich. But I doubt it.

But then again, what's wrong with showing-off? If you're good at art, or photography, why not 'share' the product of your unrivaled talent (or lack of it) with the world? It's a good way to get criticism, sure enough. Assuming your friends have the capacities for constructive criticism. (If they don't, destructive will have to do).

It seems some people are afraid to criticise, and others are afraid not to. Some think they will be seen as a softee (and a stupid one at that) if they cannot find a mistake in your work, and others are afraid to go beyond "Oh, that's lovely". I am obviously more on the critical side. :P

I am probably being too critical. There are probably good people out there who say things for reasons other than feeling smart or resourceful or funny or impressing people. And getting likes. People who are not surprised when they get no notifications after a week off facebook. Who doesn't use facebook unconsciously to boost their self-esteem and their how-many-people-like-me-rating.

I could be the only negative, critical, egotistical, insecure user. Who knows?

I'm all cheerful and bouncy happy today.

I wonder what it could be this time? Didn't have any second-hand stimulants, as far as I know.

My English teacher bunked. Went off somewhere to organize Mandarin lessons, of all things. So glad I don't go there by bicycle.

I'm in the process of making rusks. Used All-Bran instead of muesli, and All-Bran instead of bran. And added some more All-Bran.

I hope you, the reader, wasn't bored off your chair. :)

Annoyance

I am annoyed and grumpy. Earlier today I was just fine. I had a nice afternoon at work, not as sleepy as last time. I was a little saddened (and smelly) by the fact that my friend's mother chain-smokes, but it didn't get me down. (Maybe it was the second-hand nicotine). After work I made a nice pudding and ate quite a bit of chocolate in the process. Our best friends came over for supper

The pudding burnt. It wasn't even my fault. I had the oven at the right temperature (if not lower), and I took it out the oven earlier (because it was going black-bottomed). Quite a dissapointment.

My best friend and my siblings went to play poker. I don't feel comfortable with this, so I didn't play. Now I resent them for insisting on playing three varieties (more than an hour exile for me), and they resent me for not being happy about it since 'it's your decision'. I was looking forward to chatting with my friend, because we haven't talked for a long time. But no. It's 'my' decision.

Blanket Project

We had this great idea. A knitting project, where we don't knit. We get other people to knit for us.

There are organizations who collect hand-knit blankets and give them to charities. Personally, knitting squares would bore me to death. But I know some people don't know what to knit besides scarves, and this is an ideal feel good project.

Besides, who wants to knit a whole blanket, right?  Our slaves loyal knitters will do the squares, and we'll sew them up. Sounds like a brilliant idea, right? Well, the knitters don't seem to agree. So far we have one person who is willing to oblige. One!

Sigh.

I hope we get more recruits soon.

Confused Computer Miscomputation

I couldn't blog for a while, because our computer thought it was 2007, and the security certificates of the website would only become valid in 2009. Meanwhile, I was stuck frustrated in 2011.

The problem was fixed when I found out about it. :)

I wonder how that could happen?

Knits

I intended this blog, at first, to be for my knitting pictures too. Every now and then I wanted to post some cute or interesting things I had knitted. I wonder if this wouldn't be showing off? People who cannot knit much iften think the stuff I can knit are AMAZING. People who can knit better than me would just think 'oh, that's nice'.

It would be nice to have a record of knits.I WOULD be nice to show off a bit. Especially the new things I learn and knit.

I guess its not AS show offy as posting it on fb.

Happiness

I am so happy. Sooo happy.

I can explain, a little. I (rather reluctantly) gave my life to Elohim. I said: "OK, fine, You're in charge. You save me, I can't. You change my life. You make it go the direction you want. I trust You."

Of course, I didn't say it quite like that. But that's what it came down to.

Not that I was a lying, cheating, selfish atheist before that. I was a selfish Christian determined not to lie or cheat or break any commandment. I'm still selfish, I guess. And I'm proud and judgemental. Especially the judgemental part. But I don't worry about this. I also don't worry about doing everything (Godly) exactly right. I don't worry that there are parts in the Bible I don't understand. If I don't know how to do something 'right' and I don't know wether I'm doing something 'right' I don't worry. I don't worry. The End.

I didn't expect my 'life to change'. I just decided that Elohim knows what he's doing, and he won't ruin my life. I didn't expect it to make me so happy. But it did.

Salvation

I have been pondering this subject for a while. Struggling with it, analysing it, and worrying about it. I had many questions about it.

What does 'by grace alone' mean? That we have no part in it? But aren't you supposed to believe correctly? And is believing correctly all there is to it? How does believing correctly change you? And wern't Yeshua's followers required to give up everything? How come we don't have to give up anything?

What are we saved from? From Hell? Why would Elohim want to chuck us in Hell because we don't realise an important truth? Is everyone who doesn't say the Sinner's Prayer going to Hell neccesarily? What about the Jews who have been blinded so the Gentiles can have a chance? (Romans 11:25-26)

That you cannot earn your salvation makes even more sense when you consider that we are saved from sin. Not the punishment for sin (although that too) but sin itself. How can you be saved from sin by not sinning? That doesn't make sense.

Also, we are saved because Yeshua died for us, and rose again. No-one on earth made Him do that. More importantly, he didn't rise from the dead because the disciples' belief was great. No-one on earth, by their virteous lives and great faith in Elohim, made Yeshua rise from the dead. Elohim rose Him so we could have life and life abundantly.

What I learnt recently: Don't try to be perfect. Let Elohim rule your life for you. He'll fix you, you won't.

Post the First

I don't know how to put this. Which is a bad start to a blog, I guess. :)

The nice thing about a blog is that you can talk without anyone listening, and someone might still hear what you say one day.

This blog isn't an action journal.  A 'today I'm going to do this and this and this and yesterday the weather was nice' blog. Basically I just chat to myself and try to sort my thoughts out. So if you think I already talk too much:

a) tell me about it
b) don't read the blog.